1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,807
I will pay for you to
get a different ringtone.

2
00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:07,847
You're not being useful, Steve.
Why does it need to be so loud?

3
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:10,160
Stop moaning and help me find it!

4
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:19,367
Oh, I don't get why you keep
so much stuff in there. I need it.

5
00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:20,920
What?!

6
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,127
You need these?

7
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:25,440
Yes, I haven't finished them yet!

8
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,527
Why do you need a brush?

9
00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:32,927
When do you need to brush your hair
during the day? When it's windy.

10
00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:34,480
It's got bits of crisps in here.

11
00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:39,360
Eurgh, you are filth!

12
00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:43,967
It's Paul. Oh, God...

13
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:47,480
Probably wondering why
we're not there yet. Yeah.

14
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:50,400
I'll put it on silent.

15
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:03,600
This programme
contains strong language.

16
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:23,571
'Your call is in a queue,
and will be answered

17
00:01:23,572 --> 00:01:26,647
as soon as one of our
advisers becomes available.

18
00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:30,087
'To make sure we've given you
the best service we can,

19
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,527
'your call may be monitored
to help us with training.'

20
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,520
What's that? Concealer.

21
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,480
Why do you need that, then?

22
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:43,167
You're funny
Thank you.

23
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:46,127
'Hello, thanks for ringing...'

24
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,927
Hello?! Hello. Hello, hello.

25
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:50,600
I'm Steve Marshall.

26
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:58,160
O...P...8.

27
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,000
E...1...7.

28
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:07,280
6...N...M.

29
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,847
No, N...

30
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,767
N, for Nicholas.

31
00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:14,160
M, for Marcus.

32
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,800
Um...Mrs Doubtfire.

33
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,640
Janet Brophy.

34
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:25,767
Oh, for God's sake...

35
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,880
On hold again? Yeah.

36
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:30,687
Why d'you keep saying Mrs Doubtfire?

37
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:34,000
Oh, it's a security check.
Favourite film.

38
00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:37,920
Your favourite film is Mrs Doubtfire?

39
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:42,767
It's got some classic moments in it.

40
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,160
You're laughing
just thinking about it?

41
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:50,607
She sets fire to her tits...

42
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:58,200
Oh, for God's sake...!

43
00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,567
They're playing Candle In The Wind.

44
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:06,240
They're starting to actually
try and make me angrier.

45
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,680
Is it an annoying song?

46
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:14,007
What do you mean? The song
you're listening to, is it annoying?

47
00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,767
What do you mean,
the song I'm listening to?

48
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:19,247
The candle song, is it annoying?

49
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:22,407
What do you mean "the candle song"?!
It's Candle In The Wind!

50
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,807
Candle In The Wind, then!
Is it annoying?

51
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,047
What is this?
You know it's annoying!

52
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:28,967
How am I supposed to know?
I've never heard it.

53
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,647
Yes you have. No I haven't.

54
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,767
You've never heard
Candle In The Wind?

55
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:37,127
No!

56
00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:40,720
Yes, you have. No, I haven't!

57
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,767
It's by Elton John!

58
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,840
Like I listen to Elton John songs!

59
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,567
What about when Diana died?
What about it?

60
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:54,567
It was the theme tune for her death.

61
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:59,040
I was 11, Steve. I didn't watch
the news. I wasn't a geek.

62
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:03,447
It's not geeky to have heard of
Candle In The Wind.

63
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,607
What time is it? Are we late?

64
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:08,807
Don't change the subject,
you're being ridiculous.

65
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:10,333
Steve! Yes, we're late.

66
00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:15,247
You've been dicking about in the mirror
for an hour, I've been ready for ages.

67
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,887
Oh... What are you doing? No!

68
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,087
Cramp, cramp! I've got cramp,
I've got cramp!

69
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:28,367
You look funny. Shut up, I'm in pain.

70
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,767
I think that's why you look funny.

71
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,247
Fuck, fuck, fuck!

72
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,087
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

73
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:37,687
You're going like that, yeah?

74
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,807
Yeah.

75
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:41,207
It's a fancy-dress party.

76
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,607
So? You're supposed to dress as
something beginning with P.

77
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,807
I'm not going to dress up,
I'd look like a dick.

78
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,607
You're supposed to look like a dick,
that's the point.

79
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:53,767
Luke's being a prick.
Making everyone go in fancy dress.

80
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,687
He's not being a prick,
he's six years old.

81
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:58,487
That's prickish behaviour.

82
00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,927
He's Paul's son. Don't care!

83
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:02,840
He was in hospital.

84
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:09,607
I can't believe you've never
heard of Candle In The Wind!

85
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:14,960
Just dress as something beginning
with P and shut the fuck up.

86
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,160
Stop it, I'm trying to concentrate!

87
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:38,327
Do you need your mouth open?

88
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:39,960
Yes.

89
00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:51,280
Becks? Yes?

90
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:56,487
Do you find it funny
that he's called Luke and he...

91
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:57,840
had leukaemia?

92
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:02,440
No.

93
00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,360
Get off!

94
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,520
You're not allowed to
make jokes like that.

95
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,600
Well, it's not like he died, is it?

96
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,600
How's my spot?

97
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:26,240
Delicious.

98
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:32,200
Oh, if that is Paul,
you are in trouble.

99
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:36,080
Sausage rolls!

100
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:38,207
Don't eat too many.

101
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,560
♪ Sausage rolls... ♪

102
00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:49,807
Sorry, Dan, mate. Caught us
at a really bad time, mate.

103
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,327
Paul's son's just come out
of hospital today.

104
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,998
He's just beaten leukaemia and we're
having a fancy dress party for him

105
00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:57,727
and I'm helping out with the food.

106
00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,527
So, thanks for calling round.

107
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,920
Notice anything different about me?

108
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:08,567
No. Not wearing my glasses?

109
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:10,127
Oh, yeah!

110
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,047
Cool. Well...

111
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,000
How do you think I can see?

112
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,407
Don't know. Contact lenses.

113
00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:22,087
Contact lenses?!

114
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,847
OK. Great. Thanks, Dan.
Do you think they'll work?

115
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:30,487
Yes. I'm going to try and win back
Anita with the new Dan.

116
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,720
What's wrong with the old Dan?

117
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:41,087
Is that a serious question?
I don't think so.

118
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,887
What's the theme of
the fancy dress party?

119
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,687
We got to dress up
as something beginning with P.

120
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:49,687
What are you going as? I don't
dress up. I'd look like a dick.

121
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,447
Cool as. Cool as.

122
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:53,127
What's Becky dressing up as?

123
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:55,207
A policewoman. Policewoman?

124
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:58,760
Yep. Can I...?
Not that kind of policewoman.

125
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,647
Oh, shit.

126
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,607
I've learned a magic trick.

127
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,447
Magic trick?

128
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,047
Lock up your daughters.

129
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,927
I'm going to buy a cape
and perform it for Anita.

130
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,800
Do you think that will work?

131
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,887
What? Nothing.

132
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,567
What? Nothing!

133
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,967
You look lovely, come on. Steve?

134
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,527
Nothing! You look lovely!

135
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,607
Not looking at anything.
I'm not looking at anything either.

136
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,767
I'm looking at my phone.

137
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:46,287
OK, good.

138
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,967
My spot burst.

139
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:51,367
Did it? Really?

140
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,007
I didn't notice.

141
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:58,840
It's gone a bit bloody.
Can you see it?

142
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,807
Oh, yeah...
Now you mention it, it's just...

143
00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:05,807
I'll clear it up.

144
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:09,240
Don't bother, it's fine.
Just hurry up.

145
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,367
I've been ready for an hour.

146
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:16,400
It's like she physically
can't hurry up. Yeah, women!

147
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,887
Can I do anything else for you, Dan?

148
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,287
No, no.

149
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:24,927
Ooh, a visitor.

150
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:26,880
You're staying, are you?

151
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,410
'Your call is in a queue
and will be answered

152
00:09:32,411 --> 00:09:35,647
as soon as one of our
advisors becomes available...'

153
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:37,367
Hi, Laura. Paul's not happy, Steve.

154
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:40,473
You were meant to bring the
sausage rolls over an hour ago.

155
00:09:40,474 --> 00:09:41,720
You're taking liberties.

156
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:47,967
What?

157
00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:51,447
You look nice. Thank you, Steve.
I'm meant to be a prostitute.

158
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,327
Done a good job of that.

159
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:57,527
It's very accurate. Why aren't you
answering Paul's calls? I'm on hold,

160
00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,327
I can't hang up now.
Somebody's stealing money from me.

161
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,967
There's no sausage rolls
at the party, Steve.

162
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:07,407
What kind of party doesn't have any
sausage rolls? It's like a riddle.

163
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,847
I'm ready, OK? It's Becky
that's holding everyone up.

164
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,167
I'm not holding anyone up.

165
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,920
I just want to look nice
for little Lukey.

166
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,807
You all right, Becks?
Yeah, nearly ready.

167
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:22,527
Paul's going mad over there.

168
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:26,967
Yeah? Yeah, been getting all uppity,
threatening his uncle.

169
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:28,647
You saw him at Bonfire Night.

170
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:30,367
You know how he gets.

171
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:34,240
No, no, no!
That's my toothbrush.

172
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:40,447
Well...you can always use this.

173
00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:42,607
When are you going to
get yourself another one?

174
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,407
It's your own fault for biting it.

175
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:52,247
Why do you bite it?

176
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:55,880
You're the same with Polos,
you're like a dog.

177
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,287
I'm brushing my teeth!
Why do you do that?

178
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:06,247
What? Talk to me when I'm brushing
my teeth? It's so annoying.

179
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:10,247
You're so annoying.
Very good. Very witty.

180
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:14,760
Just get ready.
I am ready! See you in a bit, Laur.

181
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:20,367
Are you ready?

182
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,767
What are you going as? This.

183
00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:27,007
A paedophile? No, of course not!

184
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,127
What...
What do you mean, a paedophile?

185
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:30,887
Your top button's done up.

186
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,727
It's trendy.

187
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,640
It's paedophilic, Steve.

188
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:37,727
God's sake.

189
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:39,247
I'm not dressing up.

190
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,007
I'm sorry, you're dressing up,
Steve. I'm Paul's fiancee.

191
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,407
Luke had leukaemia and at
the end of the day, he's a hero

192
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,247
and if he wants you to dress up
as something beginning with P

193
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,479
then you're going to dress up
as something beginning with P.

194
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:50,487
Do you know what I'm saying?

195
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,767
Yes, Laura.
I know what you're saying.

196
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,400
Thank you.

197
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,960
Notice anything different about me?

198
00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:08,207
Laura reckons I've got to dress up.

199
00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:10,200
Told you.

200
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:16,847
I don't even like Luke!

201
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,400
Steve, he almost died.

202
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,487
He's a little shit.

203
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,767
Do you remember
when he pitched my tit?

204
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:29,287
Yeah, the little shit.
And he spat on me.

205
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,320
He's an ugly little bastard too.

206
00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:36,247
Your hair? No.

207
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,367
Have you lost weight?

208
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,600
No, I'm trying, but I keep eating.

209
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,127
It's my glasses. What about them?

210
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,247
Not wearing any?

211
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:48,767
Do you wear glasses?

212
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:50,680
I've got contacts.

213
00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:01,127
Pick a card.

214
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,647
His eyebrows went wobbly.

215
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:04,647
He sang it at the funeral.

216
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:06,647
Candle In The Wind.

217
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:09,447
I don't know it! Leave me alone.

218
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:11,598
'Your call will be answered

219
00:13:11,599 --> 00:13:15,447
as soon as one of our
advisors becomes available.

220
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:20,447
'To make sure we're giving you
the best service we can,

221
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,720
'your call may be monitored
to help us with training.'

222
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,600
Will you scratch my back for me?
Come here.

223
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:38,207
Is it...

224
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:41,247
er, two of spades? Yeah.

225
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,167
That's incredible. How d'you do it?

226
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,607
It's, er... It's magic.

227
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,807
But seriously, how d'you do it?

228
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:52,440
Magic. No, but seriously.
Honestly, I'm magic.

229
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:56,607
Really?

230
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:59,127
Down a bit, down a bit,
to the left.

231
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,007
Oh, that's it, that's it.

232
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:03,487
Keep going, keep going.

233
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,127
Up a bit.

234
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:11,560
What about that?
You could go as a pirate.

235
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:16,327
Everyone's going to go as a pirate.

236
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,167
Can you move things with your eyes?
Yep.

237
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,160
Can you? Yeah!

238
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:26,487
Can you make it, like...
How can I put it?

239
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:32,727
Could you make everything in a room hover?
Yeah.

240
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:36,167
Apart from the floor?
Certainly, yeah.

241
00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:39,680
You're taking the piss. No, I'm not.

242
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:44,327
Is it free booze? Hope so.

243
00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:48,127
He's beaten cancer.
That's a free booze situation, isn't it?

244
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:49,760
You'd think so.

245
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,727
Could you just
scratch it all over?

246
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,687
'To make sure we're giving you
the best service we can,

247
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,687
'your call may be monitored
to help us with training.'

248
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,320
Could you...

249
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:06,280
Could you bring back
someone from the dead? Yep.

250
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,047
Could you make it rain indoors?

251
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,760
Absolutely.

252
00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:21,647
25th March, 1986.

253
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:25,527
E17 6NM.

254
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,760
N for Nicholas, M for Marcus.

255
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:34,927
Mrs Doubtfire.

256
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,280
Janet Brophy.

257
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,127
You all right? Yeah.

258
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,887
Did you know Dan's...

259
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,967
I don't know...

260
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:47,880
He said he could...

261
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:52,612
He's got this pack of
cards and he reckons

262
00:15:52,613 --> 00:15:54,927
he's got these abilities to...

263
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:57,887
Oh, I don't know now.

264
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,927
Sounds silly
to say it out loud, but...

265
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:02,967
So you got your prostitute clothes
in the end? Yeah.

266
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,524
Yeah, I got the top of
Shelley and the skirt,

267
00:16:05,525 --> 00:16:08,127
I got that off Shelley
as well, and the shoes...

268
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:11,207
I got it all off Shelley.

269
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,854
D'you have a phone number for Shelley?
No, Dan.

270
00:16:13,855 --> 00:16:15,807
Come and help me with a fringe wash.

271
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:19,167
What's a fringe wash? Haven't I
told you about the fringe wash?

272
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,360
Oh, my God, you're going to love it.

273
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,407
♪ Snookering you

274
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,887
♪ Snookering you

275
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:32,200
♪ Snookering you tonight. ♪

276
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:37,887
It's like a strimmer for a hedge.
I don't even own a hedge.

277
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,167
Why would I...?

278
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:40,887
♪ Big Break! ♪

279
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,807
For God's sake!

280
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:44,213
Put me on hold again!

281
00:17:44,214 --> 00:17:47,167
Have you ever actually
seen a dog chase a cat?

282
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:50,207
D'you reckon you're
in the way at all, Dan?

283
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,167
Pick a card.

284
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,287
Why've you got a pack of cards on you?
I just happen to have them on me.

285
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,447
Steve's doing my head in.

286
00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:01,447
Keeps going on about this song
by Elton John, Candle In The Wind.

287
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,247
D'you know it? Yeah, of course.

288
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:04,967
Do you?!

289
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:07,367
Yeah, of course.

290
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:11,007
♪ And it seems to me
you lived your life

291
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,607
♪ Like a candle in the wind... ♪

292
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,327
Oh, that? Yeah.

293
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:18,487
Of course I know it.

294
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,247
That's embarrassing.

295
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,607
Is it...

296
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,800
Ten of diamonds?

297
00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:31,607
Yes.

298
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:35,247
How d'you do that? It's magic.
Don't be a dick. Just tell me.

299
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:37,527
A magician never reveals
his secrets.

300
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:39,099
Tell me or get out of my flat.

301
00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:41,967
I've spent the past week
learning the order of the cards,

302
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,018
so when you pick out a card,

303
00:18:44,019 --> 00:18:47,480
I know what it is from
its position in the pack.

304
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,127
You've spent a week doing that?

305
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:53,193
Yeah, it gave me headaches.

306
00:18:53,194 --> 00:18:56,447
But Anita likes Derren
Brown, so, you know.

307
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:59,727
Luke's so brave. He's really cute.

308
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,447
He's dressed as a Pharaoh.

309
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,967
Doesn't that begin with...? Oh.

310
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:10,120
Yeah. And Luke's mum, Natalie,
the slut, she got...

311
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:15,007
She got in this massive cake
shaped like the Pyramids

312
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:18,687
and he threw it at this girl
and she was covered in it

313
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:22,327
and she started crying
and everyone was laughing.

314
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:24,487
It was mad. So, d'you see, Laura?

315
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:28,087
I've just washed my fringe,
but it looks like

316
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,607
I've washed my whole hair.
That's amazing, Becks.

317
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:35,407
You should sell it.
Sell the fringe wash?

318
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,967
Yeah. You could make a fortune
out of that.

319
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:42,040
D'you think? Yeah. Who'd buy it?

320
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:46,727
Busy people, women, busy women.

321
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,287
It's how the Body Shop started.

322
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,320
Yeah.

323
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,327
Four of hearts.

324
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,120
Oh my God!

325
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,807
Three of spades.

326
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,607
Dan, seriously.

327
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:12,447
'Please remember, we can only help
you with a billing enquiry...'

328
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,247
King of clubs.

329
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:16,767
Dan, this is no way to
spend your twenties.

330
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:18,487
You don't have to wash it all.

331
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:20,927
Have you been washing your hair?

332
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,407
See? That's amazing.
I just did the fringe.

333
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:27,240
You are supposed to be hurrying up,
not washing your hair!

334
00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:33,840
So where d'you reckon
I could buy a cape?

335
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:36,527
Debenhams?

336
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:39,607
God, that's Paul.

337
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,886
We're going to get some
bubbly to do a toast,

338
00:20:41,887 --> 00:20:44,287
but otherwise you have to
pay for your own drinks.

339
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:45,920
That's annoying.

340
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:51,767
Have you seen my phone?

341
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:55,887
You're holding it, Beck.

342
00:20:56,000 --> 00:21:00,247
What a dick.

343
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:01,767
Paul's here.

344
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,160
Answer the fucking door, Steve!

345
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,920
Steve!

346
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:23,087
Hello, Paul, mate. You all right?
Where the fuck are the sausage rolls?

347
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,647
My little boy is going mental.

348
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:28,367
There's a whole fucking party going on
and there's not one single sausage roll.

349
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,447
Wow, Paul, I like your costume.

350
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:31,002
Thank you.

351
00:21:31,003 --> 00:21:33,607
It's quite a costume, Paul.
Thank you. It's Postman Pat.

352
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:37,727
Luke likes him. He's got the duvet.
Mum's dressed as Mrs Goggins.

353
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:39,927
That doesn't begin with P. Fuck off!

354
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:42,000
Now where are the sausage rolls?

355
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,127
You had it in your hand, Becks!

356
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:51,887
I know!

357
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,640
You idiot.

358
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,687
I've been ready for
nearly two hours.

359
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:03,447
So what are you dressed as?
A pillock?

360
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,767
No, I thought I'd go as myself.

361
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:07,847
Yeah, that's what I said -
a pillock.

362
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,367
Sorry, it's just my sense of humour.

363
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,287
Are you seriously going as yourself?

364
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:16,287
Yeah. I thought I'd go as myself
and not get dressed up and instead...

365
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:20,927
I don't... ..instead honour Luke
by putting on my best shirt.

366
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:23,087
It is a nice shirt.
I don't fucking believe this!

367
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,727
You don't bring the sausage rolls,
you're shitting about in your own clothes

368
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,847
when there's a whole section of
a Witherspoon's roped off.

369
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,767
They've put balloons up.

370
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:35,447
They've let us smoke and
it's full of adults and children,

371
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:39,487
all trying, like, trying, Steve,
trying as hard as they can

372
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,407
to dress up
as something beginning with P.

373
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:46,567
Oh, sorry, I... Ooh, got to take
this. I'm reporting a fraud.

374
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:48,447
No, let me get that for you, mate.

375
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:50,567
Fuck yourself!

376
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:55,807
They're going to think that was me!
They're going to put that in my records.

377
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:59,287
Steve, Luke is my kid,
and my kid loves sausage rolls.

378
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:02,487
You should have seen his face
when he couldn't find one.

379
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:05,007
Smashed a window with his head.

380
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:07,007
On his special day.

381
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,927
I'm really sorry...
You've got a toy parrot.

382
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:11,362
I've played with it in this flat.

383
00:23:11,363 --> 00:23:13,967
You could have come as a pirate.
That's what I said, isn't it?

384
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:15,887
What about her?

385
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,727
She's not dressed up.

386
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,687
I'm a policewoman, Steve.
You've put on a hat.

387
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:25,807
Policewoman's hat. You're wearing
what you wore last night.

388
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,327
She's clearly dressed as
a policewoman. Anyone can see that.

389
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:32,087
She's made the effort, Steve,
because she is a decent human being

390
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:36,487
and she's not some lazy,
shit-eating piece of shit.

391
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,600
You haven't even got a TV licence.

392
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:42,047
Why are you bringing that up?

393
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:44,567
Cos it really annoys me.
She's lazier than I am.

394
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:47,406
No, I'm not. I'm the one
that goes and gets everything.

395
00:23:47,407 --> 00:23:49,207
I'm always going down the chip shop.

396
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:50,169
I wonder why.

397
00:23:50,170 --> 00:23:54,807
I've seen you with the girls in
there with your horrible little grin.

398
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:56,647
At least she's got a heart, Steve.

399
00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:59,087
At least she's got a heart.

400
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,207
Yeah? At least I've heard of
Candle In The Wind.

401
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:05,127
What are you talking about?
I've heard of it. You liar!

402
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:06,287
Course I've heard of it.

403
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:09,607
Everyone's heard of it. It's one
of the best songs of all time.

404
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,127
We're thinking of having it
as our first dance.

405
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,807
Stop trying to be a prick, Steve.

406
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,487
You haven't made an effort. Exactly.

407
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:19,967
It's atrocious. I mean, look at Paul.

408
00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:21,927
He's made the effort.

409
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,847
He's got a sack.

410
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,607
What's in the sack, Paul?

411
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:28,647
Letters.

412
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:30,407
You see?

413
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:34,087
He's a postman. He'd have letters.

414
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:35,560
And in the bag?

415
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:40,280
Jess.

416
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,607
Oh, come on, that's funny.

417
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:46,247
He's got letters and a Jess.

418
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:48,291
Luke's just gone through
a matter of life and death

419
00:24:48,292 --> 00:24:49,887
and you're standing
there laughing at him.

420
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:51,910
I wasn't laughing at him.
Yes, you were.

421
00:24:51,911 --> 00:24:54,727
I was laughing at Jess.
And it's not my fault we're late.

422
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,487
Becky's been doing her make-up,
washing her hair...

423
00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:59,927
It was a fringe wash, Steve.

424
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,687
A fringe wash. What's
a fringe wash all of a sudden?

425
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:06,007
My little boy is a hero.
He beat cancer at the age of six.

426
00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:08,727
What were you doing at the age of
six? Playing with your dad's dick?

427
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,007
Sucking yourself off?
OK, Paul, that's enough.

428
00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:13,007
Luke's blood cells were fucked.

429
00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:15,419
Now, you get in there and you dress up

430
00:25:15,420 --> 00:25:18,807
as a fucking python or
something, because otherwise...

431
00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:22,607
OK, Paul, I said that's enough.
You're being aggressive. No, I'm not!

432
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:25,727
If Steve doesn't want to dress
as something beginning with P,

433
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:29,607
then Steve won't dress as
something beginning with P.

434
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:31,447
OK?

435
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:33,967
Paul's mum's going as Mrs Goggins.

436
00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:35,880
That doesn't begin with P.

437
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:47,127
Oh, he hasn't even heated them up.

438
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:49,440
I'll see you there.

439
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,000
Oh, my God.

440
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,320
He forgot Jess.

441
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:07,320
Jess.

442
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,367
I've got him.

443
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:15,720
Come on, Dan,
time for you to go as well.

444
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:21,840
Haven't got my cards.

445
00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:26,320
Yes, I have. Phew.

446
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:31,000
Bye, then.

447
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,207
I don't have a horrible little grin,
do I?

448
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,087
Yeah, course.

449
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,000
You look like a rapist.

450
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,207
Did you get through to HSBC?

451
00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:44,287
Nah, couldn't be bothered.

452
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:46,400
I'll try again tomorrow.

453
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:04,087
Guess we'd better go, then. Yeah.

454
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:06,847
We are properly late.

455
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:08,927
Yeah, we are.

456
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:13,167
Yep, I think Paul will actually
kill me if I don't get there soon.

457
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:15,160
Yeah, he will.

458
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:18,320
He was proper angry.

459
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:23,640
Yeah, we should definitely go. Yes.

460
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:26,680
We must.

461
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,200
You have to pay for your drinks.

462
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:38,240
Really? Yeah.

463
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:44,320
No free bar? Nope.

464
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,167
Shall we just stay in and have sex?

465
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:51,207
Yeah, fuck it.

466
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:53,447
♪ Come closer and cuddle me tight

467
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:58,127
♪ My heart goes boom bang-a-bang
boom bang-a-bang when you are near

468
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:01,367
♪ Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time

469
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:06,127
♪ It's such a lovely feeling

470
00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:09,960
♪ When I'm in your arms... ♪

471
00:28:10,010 --> 00:28:14,560
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